In Hitler’s bathtub

If you feel free in the sun you shall be set free. A quote almost taken for granted until you find yourself in Hitler’s bath tub. 

There’s this girl that has been in this bathtub every now and then, the scars that she hides can never be seen by anyone else. When she tells of her ordeal you cringe at the very thought of the experience. Being raped is something not easy to get over but it’s a daily serving dished out by some ‘animals’.

Sometimes she tries to commit suicide but that she thinks this will never let her soul rest especially since her God’s wrath is her biggest fear. So she holds on and smiles when she has too. Sometimes she cuts and sometimes she lies in Hitler’s bath tub and screams underneath the water.

Who are these people who rape and defile children, women, men and the elderly?  Who are they? Who gave birth to them? What went wrong along the way? Why do they do these things? Shall we ever know? Maybe we will?

Shall we kill them all? Shall we poison them or give them a lethal injection one by one? Maybe they should be hanged or slain in a public square? But will it take away the pain, the grief and the self loath or the act itself?

I don’t know but I hope it will. This bathtub is akin to one’s own cell. A cell with just a small window through which to breathe! Once it darkens your door step there’s almost no cure. It’s the most violent of all ways through which a woman’s dignity can be stripped, her innocence robbed and her spirit broken.

I look at her look at herself and feel sad. There is nothing more I can do. Talk is almost cheap! How do therapists do this? Maybe that’s why most of them end up crew ups too. It cannot be easy to relive these people’s lives and try to rationalize their minds into getting over their trumped hearts.

It’s a hard pill to swallow so don’t do it to any one if you cannot bear to sit in Hitler’s Bathtub.

From my heart to yours

Orogot Pamela

I slept in Mpigi and woke up in Wakiso!

How it baffles me to hear the arguments about the creation and non creation of new districts! I never see the difference. Are my blind, oblivious or is there truly no difference?  Does service delivery truly extend to the grass roots or is it choked along the way? I just never see the difference!

So anyhow, the president decided no more districts will be created. Is this the part where I say aye’ or is it where I say nay’? Confusing for those of us who see no difference whether they create more districts or they don’t, well except the fact that more Mp’s grace the floors of parliament from the creation of new districts.

But who are my to judge? Am  just an average African girl. Maybe the village African girl will have a word to say. Maybe there will be more service delivery. Maybe her father will become a district councilor or better still a district mayor or the district Mp even better her mother. Then maybe her family will be better off. Maybe her opportunities will be increased. Or MAYBE NOT

So the president is going back on his word. Should we condemn him or should we praise him for being courageous or utterly brave (which he is most of the time). And why did he have such an angry look while announcing his decision? Isn’t he the one creating the new districts? Or wasn’t he the one who made the promises? Well despite the rat eating incident to demonstrate the need to create a district! But whatever….##$5

Last I checked in primary there were about 45 districts but now …. I lost count and the interest to inquire. But will I point fingers at my president for announcing there is no money to create more districts? Maybe that’s why the ED OF K.C.C.A decided to tax UPE schools. People we need the money!

And will I point fingers at him for taking a stand? And what about the prime minister who backed him last time he was trying to defend his creation of new districts ( this dude knows how to get himself in hot soup) that’s besides the point.

The point is who can show how the creation or non creation of districts truly makes a difference on the ground before they start calling out the president for broken promises.

Haven’t you heard there is no money ( excuse me I think I just choked). Now where is Kagina?

 xxx

Ayaso

Ice cold

Haven't you heard, i have no heart... well not me exactly but a group of about six men at Efendy's i happened to eavesdrop in on one Friday evening.

So here i was, being woed by this Apollo of a man ...Efendy's the meeting point, my feet on the table...my cute black and white dress holding all the right curves. My companion very attentive, good company i must say...sigh. The fries on point ...i mean eeh

And then without even leaving a note, these men walk towards us and make camp just next to us. Actually trespassing on our generosity they very loudly start to discuss their day.

 They loudly order for Pepsi's and for the sake of it ... actually not for the sake of it, my companion was now watching football on the television in front of us and i focused on the overly loud men's conversation.
However, if this was a scare tactics... programme ... wherever they are, i assure them today , you scarred my heart for eternity.
These fat faced, overly fed, beer bellied, corruption curved, luganda speaking, kikubo business looking type of men were marking off the number of women they had infected with HIV.
Yes, the virus. Like some sort of trophy to pass around. They bragged... " Oli campuser omweru 'wamutwala' for lack of a polite word.

The goon replied," nawe obimanyi...ssente nga obuwa." He went on to elaborate how he has them have his children in Kenya and then takes them away from them so that they don't infect his children too.
A phone rings, he picks up and speaks to an obviously female person on the other end whom he instructs to go to his home and wait for him and they go on ticking off their conquests.


My eavesdropping has never trurned my heart cold like that day... it literally felt like a goose had walked over my grave. Except am not dead.
So, i tap my companion and tell what's going emphasizing my discomfort. Like a true boy, he laughs it off and continues to watch football or whatever sports had caught his attention. Tells me to ignore them.

Ignore, ignore...was never going to happen. I was a haunted woman; creepers, jeepers and Micheal Jackson's thriller companions. I had to leave this place. So i pulled the oldest trick in all those damsel's in distress hand books and unexpectedly announced its time to head home... Beauty was exhausted.(my foot)

And leave we did but not with my heart as it was... it bears scars now at what it heard. Whoever raised those men i pity. And pray for them i did ... except i implored King David's prayers... war on them lord.

                    sincerely
Pamela Ayaso

Label Girl

I used to be the girl who goes with the flow. This system was so much easier especially when so much younger. Life was… well life.

You woke up, went to class and then went out. Met cute guys, danced and forgot all about them the next day as you moved on with your daily routine. There was no right or wrong only what was or what wasn’t, till I met the dude with the ‘system of thought speech’.

Who knew my first crush would be at the tender years of a third year campus girl’s age! Thrilled, excited, his attention was all I wanted. Actually it was more than a crush, I was infatuated …like over kill infatuation.

So as I thought our friendship was getting serious, I asked him where he thought our relationship was leading.

Am that girl who calls out a man for his actions. My father taught me better. Love is not blind is he’s favorite statement. Relationships are either black or white. No greys, no in betweens. You have to know where you stand or where you don’t. No presumptions.

So I asked and he gave the ‘system of thought’ speech.                                     

“ I like you very much. You’re a very lovely person. But I do not want to put labels to our relationship. Am a no label person; all that girl friend/boy friend stuff gives people expectations and eventually leads to disappointments. But there is nothing wrong with us being exclusive.”

This speech I have never forgotten. That’s why I call it the ‘system of thought ‘speech. I spent sleepless nights just over thinking this speech. Anyhow this ‘friendship’ never stood the non label speech time. I was devastated.

This guy was one of the most intellectually stimulating men i had ever met, not to mention kind and fun. But drat that line of speech.

Every person has expectations of another, its called humanity. I don’t expect any one to stab me as I stand at a busy street but it has been known to happen and that’s the odd life of humanity.

Disappointments are bound to happen whether you expect or you don’t. Labels or no labels.

And who lives a life of no expectations- A sad person I say. But that’s just my opinion and you know what they say about opinions, ‘opinions are like behinds, everyone has one’.

But what’s life without hope? Hope in you, in me, in humanity. So what? Not everyone will live up to your expectations. But what’s wrong with having a little hope in someone. You may say expectations and hope are different … think again; draw straight lines if you can.

For most of my part, I used and still think about this ‘system of thought’. I have been told it’s a broken person’s line of thinking.

But refuse this excuse I have done. Our generation is full of broken people. Some of them life has fixed, some of us we rationalize through our brokenness, others try to fix themselves and others it’s the perfect excuse to further break those around them ( unintentional it may be)

I believe our brokenness stems from, past and present baggage. To move on we must embrace our baggage. Only by accepting ourselves can others accept us along with our broken systems.

But after I had heard that speech did my introvert eyes really open. And it’s not that I had never heard or heard of this speech before. The difference is that I cared for him and that’s why his speech hit home… guns, bombs and nuclear weapons. And if you told me today he no longer is, I will cry for what was then and what could have been.

But here I am today, a girl changed by that speech. I am fully and certifiably for labels. Expectations in humanity damn the disappointments. I am the label girl; I want to know who I am to those I care for greatly-daughter, sister, friend, foe, girl friend, fiancé, wife.

I want to know my label in your life… how simple life is that way.

                 Always P.Ayaso

 

woman scorned

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned….” I think I should google the person who said this but am to engrossed in writing this. So I’ll acknowledge that person in their absence.  

Anyhow, I have been told every woman gets scorned at some point in their life time and bitterness the end result.( Hey you, it was not my mother who gave me that crappy advice. I wonder why guys think our mothers are responsible for all the bad advice around!)

But the thing is that statement is not new to me and gives a whole meaning to some of my experiences. For instance, I have awoken happy and lain in tears. Scorn the cause.

I have been in love and forced out of it. And now when I talk, I’ve been mistaken to have that hell bent fury. But I tell the world today that it’s all a pinch of reality… nothing more nothing less.

I left the fury behind the day I put down that phone. The day I dialed my girls and cried, the day the wolf pack came together to hear me bitch, rant and reward me with hugs. There I said it, my fine fury field day.

And yes… I am a woman scorned but fury that I have not. Oh no, don’t be fooled I have had my moment or was it moments? But am afraid it never lasts. The claws of bitterness slowly slip away, all that remains is regret then slowly, “stupid girl” is all I keep hearing in this brain. Then walah … Michael who? You mean the dude I used to go out with? I think he died… no you mean he still lives…lol

Naah I don’t (uncontrollable giggles over here)

So anyhow, that fury that makes you want to burn his clothes or better still tell Kayihura read( the Inspector General of police) your ex was last seen consorting with the LRA Rebels or do you tell Nyakeirima ( UPDF Army something). I don’t exactly know how the whistle blowing procedure works.

But I have glad tidings; I got the antidote to this hell bent fury of we scorned women.  Yap, am a woman above these base feelings. And no it’s not with the comfort of chocolate, wine or any comfort foods. But this surely helps.

So here it is: I cry and cry and cry… then my eyes get all blotchy and my heart well my heart…I can’t say exactly but it still beating. And on the fourth day I just snap out of it. Get my pen, vent it all out and then deliver the note to the nearest fire. I also give out those ‘precious gifts/belongings’ or not … I wonder what became of them?

I bitched about it for a day until I got tired of it and turned to my pad to  write it off.  That’s because am the greater woman here and he the lesser fool.

                                                Love me

                                          Joyce Ikonye

Opinions of truth

Ever heard the saying, “the quiet scares me because it tells the truth”? I have but I don’t know who said that either.

But what is the truth? And am not the only one asking this question. Pilate in John 19: 38 ( Good news Bible) asked the same. So what is it anyway? Could it be facts, reality, voices or an interpretation of them all?

And what is the quiet?

Have you ever been in a room full of people talking and not hear the noise? And all that screams out aloud is the silence of the room because of your thoughts; walking around like a zombie and no one notices!

Most people are blind you know, not just physically blind but just plain oblivious to other people’s auras, call it emotion, strange behavior or change in spirit.

This truth that hits us in the quiet, that scares us, doesn’t it sound like a negative truth? Think about it! I mean if the truth was a baby on the way, would it scare you? Yes, no… ?  That’s only if you think the timing is wrong, the consequences grave. And if it didn’t scare you would that not be a truth?

What if this truth were a disease… say cancer, no, no say HIV that would be horrible. I mean the stigma! Oh yeah, that still exists. Even you who thinks you’re holier than though will take a moment.  That one pause…You’re not Jesus buster, you’re human. And that’s the truth or maybe my opinion.

Now, say the truth was a billion bucks lottery win. This truth only scares the paranoid or something… over here I would be arms stretched, knees on the ground screaming, “Bring it on” repeatedly. What about if the truth is … I am for the great I AM? If you didn’t know am talking about its God, just making sure you know this truth.

Would that scare you? I don’t know about you but me, I was astonished beyond belief.

So this thing called the ‘ truth’ when is it really the truth, is it when it’s a fact, a reality or something with consequences that are presumed unacceptable?

And the quiet, what’s so scary about it? Is it the quiet or you your scared of? Maybe its people’s opinions making you jittery. What if these are mind games, our insecurities that we cannot escape from? What is indeed the truth? Do you know the truth or is it opinions making sense?

Over here my God’s opinion is all that matters and that’s my truth. What’s your truth?  And since I don’t profess to know yours, that is your God, I don’t know your truth.  So when you give your opinion on a truth make sure the recipient was waiting for your OK. And that the quiet does not scare you.

           Always Orogot Pamela

 

Nakedness

We all wear masks. To hide the biases that impact us as we grow.
From the time we grow out of infancy we are taught to conceal our feelings, cover up our fears and hatreds. But when stressed our masks fall off and our naked faces are revealed.

This i have learnt from reading books, associating and especially watching people that these masks manifest in different ways. Being quiet has its pecks... you get to watch people in the comfort of your silent corner.

So these faces i have learnt manifest not only in the way we speak, dress or approach people but also in the way we live or try to. In our associations and relationships. But the mask i love to watch the most is that of our relationships.

Yes we relate in every way, with others and most important with ourselves. Yeah with animals and with the enviroment too. This is the mask greatly impacted by the norms we learn as a child and the hardest to break.
Have you, if i may be so intrusive as to ask ever watched a person relate with themselves?
Or thought about how you relate with yourself? No, Yes? It does not matter you still relate either way.

Anyhow, have you ever wondered why you act the way you do? Have you ever watched your parents closely in the way they relate? Because its rare that your not a chip off the old block. And those saying they have no parents surely you have a parent  figure, a mentor, these people are always around us and we are shaped by their beliefs, affected by their actions or non actions whichever is the strongest of the two.

Ever heard the saying, " i was not raised that way" complicated phrase but also very serious. Ok lets try this one, "my family won't approve " or " my parents must never know" what about " if only my mother could see me now, she would faint."
Don't deny it you've said these words at one time, but alls good they don't bite they just affirm our masks.

Talk about relating with ourselves, ever wonder why MSM and WSW read (men who sleep with men and women who sleep with women) came up with the phrase coming out of the closet? In my opinion, all pretentious people who have beliefs too firmly beat into them as children have closets to bury their skeletons.

Ever heard the phrase, " show me a perfect family and i will show you a closet full of skeletons" ? We all have dirty laundry and if these masks are not adjusted to fit changes you experience, things you see, mistakes made or new beliefs ... We either break emotionally from the strain or commit murder ask Thomas something aka " Tonku" whatever his masks  or the size of his closet  the belief is his mask fell off and revealed his nakedness.

I wear a mask sometimes, you also do but what happens when the cover of society cannot shield you anymore? Can you still have your indiviualilty and am not talking about your personality. Those are usually cemented by what people think about you.
The question is, do you know who you really are? When and if you associate with yourself or other people can you stand alone without always being dogmatic. You may think you are not dogmatic ... but are you or you not ? Thats the question.

    Always Orogot Pamela